All3open

my life set up as a tool discography

Sun, 04 Jan 2009 05:46:49 GMT

Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow,
what you need is someone strong to use you...
But you lie, cheat, and steal.
And yet
I tolerate you.
but I'm breathing so I guess I'm still alive
even if signs seem to tell me otherwise.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down.
shut up shut up shut up shut up
you're saturating me
It's not enough.
I need more.
Nothing seems to satisfy.
Come down.
Get off your fuckin cross.
We need the fuckin space to nail the next fool martyr
And as the walls come down and
As I look in your eyes
My fear begins to fade
Recalling all of the times
I have died
I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.
All you know about me is what I've sold you,
Dumb fuck.
I sold out long before you ever heard my name.
Eleven is when we waved good-bye.
Eleven is standing still,
Waiting for me to free him
By coming home.
If, when I say I may fade like a sigh if I stay,
You minimize my movement anyway,
I must persuade you another way.
Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will cuz
I sure could use a vacation from this
I thought that you were hiding from me.
And you thought that I had run away.
Chasing a trail of smoke and reason.
Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.
Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.
And if there were no rewards to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now. And I still may
Cold silence has a tendency to atrophy any
Sense of compassion
Between supposed lovers/brothers
This body holding me, reminding me that I am not alone in
This body makes me feel eternal. All this pain is an illusion.
With my feet upon the ground I lose myself
between the sounds and open wide to suck it in,
I feel it move across my skin.
I'm reaching up and reaching out,
I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.
I need to watch things die from a good safe distance
Vicariously, I live while the whole world dies
You all feel the same so why can't we just admit it?
Soapbox house of cards and glass so
Don't go tossin' your stones around
Angels on the sideline,
Baffled and confused.
Father blessed them all with reason,
And this is what they choose?

A happy new year message from mr. gary

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 14:10:47 GMT

Please go out tonight and celebrate hard! Get drunk! Get trashed! Then drive around and kill some kids and yourself! Getting rid of some morons would be the best start of any new year!

G

Eleven is when I said goodbye

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 00:37:35 GMT

11 years ago tomorrow Mikey was born. Eleven is when my Mike Died, all the way back in 1989. I remember it like it was yesterday. Now I know that Mikey will remember that for some reason his dad wasn't there for his 11th birthday. I just wonder how Liz can live with herself keeping him from me the way she does. The worst part of it for me is that I worry about how it will effect your relationship with him when he figures it all out. Why should I worry about how how he feels about you when you obviously don't care about my feelings at all? Why is my constant position to stick up for you in my own head? Something has to change....

Happy Birthday Mikey! I love you.

Jimmy by tool
What was it like to see
the face of your own stability
suddenly look away
leaving you with the dead and hopeless?
Eleven and she was gone.
Eleven is when we waved good-bye.
Eleven is standing still,
waiting for me to free him by
coming hooooooooome.
Moving me with a sound.
Opening me within a gesture.
Drawing me down and in,
showing me where it all began,
Eleven.

It took so long to realize
that you are the voice that's been calling me back hoooooooome.
Under a dead Ohio sky,
Eleven has been and will be waiting
defending his light and wondering...
where the hell have I been?
Sleeping, lost, and numb.
I'm..so glad that I have found you.
I am wide awake and heading,
home.

Hold your light Eleven.
something day? memory.
Hold your light,
Hold your light,
Hold your light where I can see

Hoooooooooooooooooome!

Hold your light,
Eleven. Lead me through each gentle
step by step by
by inch by loaded memory.
I'll move to heal
as soon as pain allows
so we can reunite
and both move on together.
Hold your light,
Eleven. Lead me through each gentle
step by step
by inch by loaded memory
'till one and one are one,
Eleven, so glow, child, glow.
I'm....heading back hooooooooooooooome.

When I say I can see through you I mean that literally.

Sat, 18 Oct 2008 12:34:55 GMT

When I say I can see through you I mean that literally. I mean, I actually know what's inside of you. Lately when I look at people they are all on my embalming table and open for the world to see. You might think you are special or interesting or different or a vessel of god but I assure you that you are a piece of meat and when I open up your chest cavity your ribs look no different then a rack of beef. I see it everyday maybe 3 or 4 times a day and now when I see people walking around I see them as meat as well. I used to have higher expectations of people, I used to think individuals were special but I now realize there are six billion people that are no different then you are.

So how can I love or even feel for anyone? I really don't know, it is a good question. I don't see Staci like some cadaver or pig on a spit (even though I don't eat pork). I don't think of my son that way. How can Staci and I ever find someone to love like we love each other when at the core everyone is the same? All liars, cheats, wackjobs, addicts, tire slashers, self absorbed characters in some offbeat independent movie. This morning Staci was wearing Michelle's hoodie that she left at our house. It made me wonder if Michelle was the best we could ever get. Was she the one person that could come closest to being that equal third? I sure hope not because now she even looks like someone that needs to be embalmed to me.

Am I too old or too ugly, am I too uninteresting, stupid or too square? What is it about a simple request for love and companionship that makes you question who you are from the inside out? Should I really question my worth based on the fact that others are too self absorbed to see true sincerity? All I have ever wanted in life out of me and anybody else… true sincerity. It's hard to find once and now I want to find it again. So dark the con of man…….

I am Benjamin Linus

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 04:03:24 GMT

Watching the Olympics makes me smile for a bunch of reasons. Whenever I see someone perform after all their hard work it makes me want to tear up and just simply cry. I was an athlete and I worked very hard.. but nothing like any of these guys. I probably never had the athletic ability and definitely didn't have the drive. The only drive I had to perform was to get as far away from my mother as I possibly could. So I accomplished my goal and I can tear up thinking about it... but if my goal wasn't to run from my mother but had the support of a family to do great things could I have done more? Certainly the answer is uncertain but the uncertainty gets me out of bed every morning.
Well update alert... things at work are great been very very busy and kind of kicking ass. I guess if you put your head down and do what you do eventually you will get rewarded. Trell is a godsend without him I would have given up on the funeral business as a whole. Mariella is an important key to that as well. I owe them big time.
I got to see Tim finally! I love tim to death when ever i think of him I always think to myself that he is the best friend I never had, I say that because we rarely see each other but I know more than anything he has my back through anything and I would do anything for that man. I would even defend him from a yeti.
Anyone that knows me should know that I have over 2000 dvd's right now. I have no catalog method worth mentioning and I can;t wait for wifeypants to figure out how to organize these things, Speaking of wifeypants she starts school this month and I am very proud. It always worried me that she was so unsure of what she wanted to do but would get down on herself that she thought she wasn't living up to her potential. Everything feels right about her starting school right now. I am glad I can help.
Things are Super..... Thanks for asking!

I said.. are you gonna be my girll.... doo doo doo

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 02:42:53 GMT

So I haven't really blogged in awhile but everyone around me has gone blog crazy. Am i being left behind in the digital world? I used to pioneer now I am as laggy as a 300 baud modem on a Commodore 64. Well Staci and started watching Lost from the beginning. Very excite. Its funny because she watched the 4th season first and is now starting from the beginning. Its fun for me to watch shows over again u can see all the little things that only make sense in hindsight.

Staci and I went to Buffalo for a few days early June. It was fun. Still no word from Liz / Mikey. We made new friends though... but they are soooooooooo far away. Things at work are super for the most part. I have done a great job at balancing money made with time spent. I haven't been riding the motorcycle as much which sorely needs to be changed.

I am just dying for things to write here but i don't have anything. The passing of George Carlin makes me very sad inside. He was a guy that had it figured out. Surely more influential on the world then Tim Russert but he is all over the news like anyone cares. Sure he was from Buffalo, and maybe he was on eof the last real journalists on the new cable news cycle but he still never told it like it was. We reward pussies and punish those that are bold. Its too bad.

I am kind of a pussy. Maybe the biggest baby of them all.

Staci and I are still on the lookout for a new girlfriend but those that have stepped forward havent really been the anser yet. It's sad when we know what we want .. even who we want.. so far away. You wouldn't think it would be all that hard given all Staci and I have to offer. Someone someday is gonna be a lucky gal.

I haven't done anything that would be considered creative lately... in the end I am still nothing

The "Lakeland 8" and why I care about the offenders.

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 14:13:25 GMT

In our society we have deemed minors unable to sign contracts or to be held culpable for their criminal actions. We protect our children with these laws because of social norms of what it is to be a child and for psychological reasons of the developing child. Sometimes children commit HORRIBLE crimes, like homicide, rape, or even an apparent senseless beating like this video shows of another child that was sixteen years old. When children commit adult like crimes they are often tried "as adults", thus negating the fact that they were minors at the time the crime was committed. Mercades Nichols, 17, April Cooper, 14, Brittni Hardcastle, 17, Kayla Hassell, 15, Brittany Mayes, 17, Cara Murphy, 16, Zachary Ashley, 17, and Stephen Schumaker, 18. The 18 year old "adult" for certain committed a crime but did the children?

crime |krīm|
noun
an action or omission that constitutes an offense that may be prosecuted by the state and is punishable by law : shoplifting was a serious crime.

In order for a crime to be prosecuted there has to be intent or negligence. In minors negligence is usually a civil matter and taken up by the parents getting sued. While intent is the question here. DId these kids intend to commit assault and kidnapping against this girl? I would answer this question as yes. The problem with that yes is can a child be held culpable for their intent in such a serious matter. Usually the answer is no in our criminal system but when the media becomes involved judges like to make examples. The problem with these examples is that they set nasty precedents. For example... The first children tried as adults were murder victims. Then came rape. Then there was plotting to commit murder (which I am not even sure this is a real crime), and now assault. So now every kid that fights at the playground after school has a reasonable expectation that they could go to prison. In theory I am ok with the idea, the problem is that it will not work. They are children and do not understand what a crime is much less the punishment for it. Soon shoplifting and vandalism could mean 5 years if the precedents fall any lower.

What these kids did is deplorable! Awful awful children. They should probably be taken away from their parents by social services. Certainly the parents should be held liable for the medical bills and pain and suffering of the victim. The problem is I still don't see the crime.... not for the minors.

Quite the group of thugs here huh. Certainly lifelong criminals that cannot be rehabilitated.... especially the one with the mustache (he must be an adult he has facial hair) Of course if we send them to jail they will be criminals when they get out. Our system doesn't rehabilitate anyone and makes good people bad, and bad people worse.

So OK you disagree with what I write here. You need some proof that these kids should not be held culpable as adults. Some bulletproof evidence that these kids had no idea of what they were doing or the consequences of their actions. The smoking gun as to why this is just stupid kid stuff that went wrong... Well thats easy their adult minds came to the conclusion they would videotape it and post it on myspace and on Youtube.

This is Gary Wantuck and I approved this message :-p

Who in this world really loves you?

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 06:52:36 GMT

Who in this world really loves you?

AFFECTIONATE CARING WIFEY-Im so mad at u.. Please, kill urself
AFFECTIONATE CARING WIFEY-Ur so fucking selffish i cant believe it
AFFECTIONATE CARING WIFEY-Well my phones going to die, so u cant reach me period.. So if ur going to kill urself call someone else

I guess at the core it’s nobody... so what is the point of doing anything for not just anybody... but why do anything at all when you don’t even love yourself. You are just another person after all.. why would i expect more in a world like this? Wife is just a title after all is said and done....if you have resentment like that over something so trivial it is easy to see why I need more. or deserve more. or deserve less.

Don’t ever apologize... ever.. ever... ever. You can’t. Everyone sooner or later shows their true colors and once you do it’s impossible to forget. Either way my life goes on one minute at a time... thats all I can deal with after all.

Where is my Cyndi?
You with the sad eyes
don’t be discouraged
oh I realize
it’s hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that’s why I love you
so don’t be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
don’t be unhappy, can’t remember
when I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you’ve taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I’ll be there

And I’ll see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that’s why I love you
so don’t be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow
-cyndi lauper

The Dash

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 08:54:36 GMT

So... yes my life has changed and I am making a very public post about it. Perhaps being so honest about something like this could have social/employment/family implications, but I am through hiding who I am. I am getting older, my 30th birthday is four months away, why should I hide who I am and who my family is? I am in love with two girls. My wife is in love with me and another girl. A girl loves me and my wife. This girl lives with us. We are involved in a polymonogamous relationship. We are not a couple... we are a triple. We all have our roles in the relationship and it isn't just some strange sex trip. In fact sex is about as normal as can be. Our relationship keeps us from being lonely, there are always extra hands around, we receive twice the love, and there is always twice the amount of conversation, laughs and advice. A few people already know about our lifestyle and most understand completely. Those that don't I would assume are jealous, bigots, and/or people that just do not want us to be happy. A couple years ago I first heard the Dr. Seuss quote.... “Be who you are, and say what you mean, because those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind.” This is why I am writing this post. “Outing myself” so to speak. I don't want to hear your negativity, because like Dr. Seuss says if you mind you don't matter. I am happy... very happy in fact. I am complimented in every area I am weak and complimenting in every area I am not. Can a relationship like this work?... of course it can.. in fact it works very well for me. Am I jealous sometimes, staci, michelle? yes... of course... but not of the conversations missed and shared, the intimate moments, the time spent... because of the time we wish we had together, with each other, sharing these things, together. Unfortunately life and work sometimes gets in the way. Do we fight? Of course.... Most importantly do we love? the answer is Yes ...

So what else is new? We are buying a condo in a high rise closer to the city. Its a beautiful vintage place that is a great investment for us and will fulfill our shelter needs for some time to come. Its gonna stretch our money for a bit but why work if you cant spend it and enjoy our lives.

On a side note bec... we love you dearly. We do not want you out of our life in any way. We want to hang out with you regularly. Can we work through any weirdness? I tried to explain and thought you understood but for some reason couldn't explain it correctly. We REALLY don't want to lose you. You inspire us. We think you are beautiful, smart, fun, intelligent, and the most caring person we have ever known. Can we all be friends? Please?

Lastly I want to speak about Mikey. My son turned 10 on Saturday the 15th. I remember my tenth birthday. I got excitebike for the NES, I rode my bike, I hung out with my mom.... I didn't hear from Mikey again on his birthday. The reason ... well i don't understand the reason. I don't know how to reach you Liz. I am sick of this happening ever year. Where do you go and what do I do to lose touch so easily? Are you all to blame? Of course not I move around the country like the Ringling Bros. Circus... but my email is gary@garywantuck.com I have a website at www.garywantuck.com .... you read my journal regularly.... you know how to get a hold of me... nobody in the world is more accessible. I need to see my son regularly. This back and forth has to end. I just got you over $4000 sent in to Child Support in time for Xmas. The rest of the past due will make it before new years, I strain myself financially to make sure he is provided for like I said I would when we were all together last in Orlando. Now sure... what does financially mean... I am a funeral director... a profession that is extremely underpaid. I live well below my education level. I could get a job that pays more, has a better financial outlook but you know about my convictions. You know my heart and all I want to do is help people and I have never cared about money over my heart. This career gives me meaning and I plan on sticking with it forever. I am sorry I will never be able to afford to send Mikey to Cornell.... but like I have for the last few years I will strain myself to fulfill my responsibilities to you, him and myself. Could you please help me here Liz? I need to see him and he needs to be a part of my life. We promised each other that we would make this work. I share a lot of blame. Let me fly him out here to spend time with me. You know where to reach me.... I can't afford to fight you legally and I won't. I love him and you love him and he love us. Lets do what is best for him.

So I have a huge headache... I am crying,... I am happy, I am sad... I have a lot of things I want to say to the world but just cant put them into words that make any sense.

Please God (although I am athiest) grant me the wisdom to get through my day and make those I love around me the happiest I can. I promise to be a stand up guy and make moral decisions based on the golden rule. I promise to take care of my family, love my country, and community, to stand up for what is right, and do whatever I can to help anyone less fortunate than I am. I may not always be a happy person, and am often depressed, sad, and hopeless, but, I live my life to take care of my family. I have done things I am not proud of to take care of them, I have never been perfect, but I am loved and I love and I have the most perfect life I can possibly have at the moment. Any things that may improve from this day forward are simply a bonus. In return I promise to never stop trying and always live up to what I have just written. I am concerned about my DASH 1978-

The Dash Poem

I read of a man who stood to speak, at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on this tombstone from beginning ….to the end.

He noted that first came his date of birth and spoke the following with tears.
But he said what mattered most of all, was the dash in between those years.

For the dash represents, all the time he spent alive on earth.
And how only those who loved him know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own; the cars, the house, the cash, what matters most is how we live and love and how we spend our dash…
So think about this long and hard. Are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left, that can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough, to consider what is true and real.
And always try to understand, the way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more,
and love the people in our lives like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect, and more often wear a smile…
Remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy is being read, with your life’s actions to rehash
would you be proud of the things they say and how your spent your dash?

by Linda Ellis

So I supose if I am gonna keep it I should use it

Sun, 18 Nov 2007 12:52:26 GMT

So i dunno what's been up really to write about. I mean... surely new stuff happens all the time, its just it seems for some reason I shouldn't be sharing it with everyone the way I used to. I am becoming more and more reclusive these days. I have been keeping my livejournal since 2002 maybe 2001? (Staci would know :-) )

Work has been well... work... which causes me to not be able to sleep, feel, or act like a real person most the time. Ummm Dusty our greyhound is good. Jesus this is boring... this may be the worst post ever... I suppose I should leave it at that before some of you die of boredom.

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 10:31:35 GMT

i really love my wife. She is fun and nice. No mater how good or bad shit gets she is still right here.....

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 19:01:22 GMT

hello...hello..hello..? is their anybody out there? I can't come up for air....the pollution... or the drowning... i just cant compare.... let me be... be... bee... til their are no more bees and we can no longer see and all that is left is darkness, forever and always... amen.

sorry

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 05:40:29 GMT

I am sorry if you all thought this was going to last forever. You only existed because I thought of you. Shortly this thinking will stop. I am sick of everyone and everything and just don't want it anymore. So before long everyone is going to disappear and it will just be me. Me and a blank slate, a white backdrop on the world I created and can create again over and over for eternity amen.

I tried to show you everything, to do everything, and to be everything and the only thing I discovered is that un-appreciation is easy for humans. I notice a complete lack of understanding in people that think that it matters what they think. Whether you believe that I am all there is makes no difference to me. Perhaps if you minded you may matter but you dont so I wont, to you, or anyone else.

SO you may or may not notice that the world has changed or that you have dissapeared or I have dissapeared or for that matter you may have already figuired it wouldnt matter. Again just another reason I don't mind. I showed many of you what you needed to know to be what you could be and stay interested in things that mattered. Most was wasted just like I am wasted in life.

Is this a cryptic message? no its not at all its very very very straight forward and although I am sure nobody will understand. Not that people arent capable or I am not capable of being black and white... its just i dont owe you that. I dont owe anyone that or anything past what I want to give. We all have realizations and my realizations are coming to an end. My book is written and the things i was "sent" to learn are all encoded and ready for my next step. So fuck you. Fuck everyone that thinks they know anything at all. If you knew anything you wouldnt be reading this because you wouldnt have too. So than why do i write anything it all? its simple... its spiteful. I am spiteful, and I dont care about you or anything else. All I care about is myself because that is all there is. If anyone chooses to pretend they have leverage over me or that they can mess with my world or my thinking or my future or past than you simply dont know anything about anything... since you dont know me and i am everything.

So Black and White... White Black...

Black then.... white.... are all i see,
in my infancy....
red and yellow than came to be...
reaching out to me..
lets me see..
there is so much more that beckons me
to look through to these...
infinite possibilities. (stolen lyrics)

The world consists of infinite threads of which I am one and you are another. All that matters is you are reading my thread, i am living my thread, and to me only my thread matters. Slowly here I will be shedding threads that come in contact with mine... evey infinite possibility that can or will happen ever anywhere will be ceasing leaving just me. And my thread. Infinitley. If you dont know me yet or cant figure it out your thread will soon disappear as well. So start hemming while you still can.

View from the railing of a bridge

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 04:54:31 GMT

To my mistress the bridge, I don't feel well.
I'll be leaving and you can't stop me.
We've been carrying on too long,
We've been carrying on too long,
I'm sorry, but I'm gone.
I've got a bad reputation to think about.
I've been dirty, I've been wrong.
Maybe someday they'll find that I've washed up.
I'm stepping out to clear my head.
I'm breathing in to fill my lungs.
We're all dead.
We're all dead.
Farewell scenic highway overpass.
It's better this way anyways.
My lover the river makes a better soldier than a bride.
My lover the river makes a better soldier than a bride.
I left my heart at the side of her bed and she's got the warmest body that I've never had.
Drag the lake, you'll find that it's full of love.
Drag the lake, you'll find that it's full of love.
Drag the lake, you'll find that it's full of love.
Bring the children to the water and let them see what heartache did.
This matrimony needs a witness, and you can teach them to swim,
and you can teach them to swim,
and you can teach them all to swim.
Don't let your dreamers grow up to be dead men.
Drown us at birth, save her some time.
Drifting on romantic holiday,
breathless as her cold arms cover me.
Drag the lake. You'll find it's full of love.
Drag the lake. You'll find it's full of love....

ETID- Floater

I need less time to think and more time to vanish. What to do what to do... So i guess thats it for now.. be good

obviously

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 12:20:01 GMT

Well... obviously I am depressed. When I am not working I sleep at least 16 hours a day. I am also afraid to leave the house again. Also I started having bad feeling about things outside the house that make me even more scared than usual. I am glad my health insurance and prescription benefit kick in soon cause I need some drugs. I have alienated Staci, I am sick of working, I don't have any real friends, and when I look in the mirror I want to smash my face. This can't go on forever... is this my life? If it is... I dont want it anymore

You are Pro- Life right... yeah right

Tue, 15 May 2007 15:23:42 GMT

A 2002 literature review of elective abortion rates found that 91–93% of pregnancies with a diagnosis of Down syndrome were terminated. There are two conclusions to make here.... either only pro-choice individuals babies get Down syndrome or peopel that claim to be Pro-Life really aren't Pro-Life at all... they are more Pro- as long as I dont have to deal with teh consequences.

During the 80's violent crime was at an all-time high in this country. There were Drive By's, people getting killed for Nike's and Raiders jackets. Than something strange happened around 1990 and especially starting in 1993. Oddly enough in two states New York And California, their violent crime started dropping DRASTICALLY overnight as well.... but two years earlier than the rest of the nation. Why the two years earlier? Well two years earlier these states enacted their own pro-choice laws legalizing abortion. Yes the reason crime dropped in the 1990's was not because of Bill Clinton. or more police, or more anything.. it was less babies born to parents that weren't ready, unable to support, or just plain didn't want their kids. So it seems people that have abortions maybe don't just have what is best for them on their mind... they also have what is best for society.

So am I pro-choice or pro-abortion. You may think you know what I am going to say.. and that may be true... but not for the reasons you think. I am against abortion. I think that the decision should be made prior to sex with responsible birth control. I am also for peopel having to get a license to pro-create. Lets face it certain people shouldn't. Perhaps there should be proof of finances, insurance, good credit, education level. I am not sure what standards shoudl be set... I am just saying the people that have the most kids are the people that should be having the least. On the other hand I am politically pro-choice. Why you may ask. I just don't think its the governments business. So than why do I back licensure? Well one is for the common social good while the other limits our ability to do what we want with our own bodies as long as it doesn't hurt society. Abortion does not hurt society at all. In fact as far as crime is concerned it helps. Also it helps our health care system, welfare, educational system and general overall being by not having to deal with peopels unwanted, unruly, and unlooked after kids. Also I will leave religion out of this because bringing it in may somehow add credibility to the fact that Santa and Ghosts exist.... don't get me started

Also I have to say you cannot be pro-life and pro- death penalty. Think about it retard. Not to mention that the logic behind killing someone to show other people that killing is wrong makes me sick with its utter stupidity. If you kill 2000 monsters who killed everyone they said they did and you make just one mistake and kill one innocent man.... haven't you lost your morale ground. Let me tell you in this country there have been many more than 2000 executed and many more than just one innocent man has died.

So than.... what is my stance on Gay marriage.... its simple.. who fucking cares? Why does it effect you? My favorite argument here is well it will lead to polygomy and bestiality. If a man can marry his best friend steve why cant he marry his dog Rover.... well that just about sums up your argument there.. you don't have one. Stay out of peoples business you... yes you... are the same people that abort your down syndrome baby when nobody is looking. I suppose you don't pick your nose either.... or don't masturbate furiously while looking at pictures of me.

So what is my point here... my point is that people claim they are something they are not. This makes it look bad for the people that actually do speak their mind and mean it. In the US census in 2000 76.5% percent of teh people claimed xstiantity as their religion. Jewish was the next highest at 1.3%. every other religion scored .5% or less. 13.2% claimed nonreligious while only .4% claimed athiest and .5% claimed agnostic. Nobody believes this shit do they? I don't even know 75 people that believe in God. Of the people that I do know that claim to be religious 95% of them are huge hypocrites. We all know the type. Most people write xiantity on the census because they think it gives them a social standing. .4% + .5% athiest/agnostic... please are you to tell me less than 1% of americans are pretty sure there is no such thing as god. This my friends is bullshit. I would venture to say that more than 25% of people in this country don;t believe in god and another 50% claim they do but don't live it or just do it because of the social status. Here is a poll for you... the pope, or a preacher or whatever religious authority you look up to shows up at your door and says look ... take this pill it will kill you instantley and painlessly and you will go right to heaven. Do you take the pill... no.. nobody does... less than 2% i would say. So apparently heaven isn't that great or you just don't believe in it.

"Pot should be legal because it is natural".. you should have been aborted because you must have down's syndrome... Anthrax is natural too... so is bocculism and poisen berries... go smoke them too you stupid fucks. Should drugs be legal... Yeah why not... prostitution too. These things either don't hurt anyone that isn't willing to take the chance and hell lets tax that shit and pay the national debt our president keeps racking up. Also why do they test for drinking when you get caught driving but cant get a blood test for heroine, pot or cocaine or anything like that. I am willing to bet that there are as many pot related driving deaths in this country as there are alchohol. Like i said I am libertarian apparently... the government has no right in our business unless your behavior impacts the society as a whole in a measurable way.

"Guns don't kill people.. people kill people" ... yeah well the gun helps. Eddie Izzard says that you couldn't just point your finger at someone and yell bang.. it wouldn't kill many people that werent awfully dodgy on the heart. Here is a stat for you ... the handgun you have is more than 16x more likely to kill you or a family member or be stolen and used in a crime than it is likely that you will ever have to use it to defend yourself or someone else. Also if you are someone is trying to help you and a citizen or a policeman pulls out his weapon your chances of dying go up more than 1000% So please next time you are walking by and someone has a gun to my back and you want to be rambo... leave your gun in its holster so you can shoot yourself with it later instead of getting me shot. You know who needs guns... criminals and the swat team... cause they are the only people that have a use for them. Every time I see a sherriff... who may or may not have attended schooling depending on what part of teh country you are in...or a local policeman.. i completly cringe. It says to serve and protect on the side of their cars. If them pulling a gun increases my chances of getting shot over 1,000% from when i just had a gun to my back... they can keep it... they arent protecting anything but the speed limit. It does say to serve and enforce... which leads me to the new term law enforcement. Police should not be law enforcement.. they do not enforce laws at all. Judges enforce laws.

On a final and more important note I know have my second degree. I am proud of myself. I still have more plans.. stay tuned. Denver is awesome, married life is pretty damn cool... and work is interesting to say the least.

New Years....

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 04:51:43 GMT

Goodnight 2006,, nice to know you... you brought me sadness, a tree, then my wife. I missed Denver and I went twice... I tried to get married on Veterans day, I went to an NHL Game, I picked up for than 400 dead bodies, I made some friends, I lost some friends, I saw Mikey, I missed Mikey, I started a business, I just plain worked hard. What a year.
Good morning 2007. This year I will make it home. I will continue to love my wife. I will make my business prosper, I will pick up a shitload more bodies, I will cry, I will laugh, I will smile, and I may even moonwalk. All in all 2007 will be the year that I start my life where it left off when I left Denver. I will be complete again. I miss you my city, i miss how you make me feel, and i am excited to share my love with you. She will love you as much as I do.

I just plain threw it away,
The looks and thoughts you gave to me,
When the rain came down and I wiped the sweat off my brow,
I considered.
Caustiously I considered.
Was it sweat or rain?
I considered and I considered,
Walked blankly in each direction looking for the answer.
Then you ALMOST put your head on my shoulder.....
it was all that was left....
sweat oir rain...
You have my back,
There is no rainbow without the rain....
Worth the Sweat
Bring on the rain.
-me

depression or hot sex?

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 01:18:28 GMT

o I just completed all my homework for the week and I feel oftly unfulfilled. I have been granted the greatest gift in life in Staci but I feel so damn silly and useless.

THAT FUCKING TREE FELL ON MY LIFE AND FUCKED UP EVERYTHING AND SOMEHOW ITS ALL AMBERS FAULT THAT FUCKING NASTY ASS DRUNK ... FUCKING GRRRRRRRRRRR... ok i am done with that.

I just got back from a vacation and I have to tell you that it just made me more depressed than I always was. My home is calling me back.. and I am stil right here... losing faith. I don't know why I don't just move right now. I could almost care less about my state license at this point.. as long as I pass the board. I am always the one saying live life for today and worry about tomorrow tomorrow.. but for some reason having a state license seems important. (for those that dont know colorado is the only US state without a state funeral directing license) oh yeah and colorado=home.

So then there is school... I probably know more about the day to day life of any student there.. yet I am fucking up royally in school because I can't concentrate. It doesn"t help that I know what I need to knwo and what I don"t and since I don't need 90% of the info I need to know to pass school it is impossible for me to encode the information. So fuck... there goes law school if my gpa takes a nosedive. Also if I fail a class I will be in school for damn near another year the way my school sets up their schedule.

I like my apartment and neighborhood. (random i know but its the only thing i like besides staci in my life) Of course I don"t have enough time to enjoy it. UGH I WANT TO FUCKING SCREAM RIGHT NOW I HATE MYSELF FUCK!! ELF UP!

I am starting a business shortly which will hopefully allow staci and I to spend a bit more time together and also suppliment my income as my internship starts. Since I will have to live like a hobo for 12 months while I am treated like a peon at a funeral home. DIE YOU COMMIE FUCKS DID I MENTION I HATE YOU EVEN MORE THAN I HATE MYSELF!!! WHO AM I YELLING AT>> FUCK I NEED LITHIUM>

Anyhoo I have found a great girl, I know where I belong, I know what I want to do for now, and i have goals and somewhat of a plan. Now if I could only get my head straight life would fall into place.

trees, motorcycle crashes, and parking lots

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 02:42:35 GMT

In a week and a half I have been in a serious motorcycle accident where I ran into an accident that occured ahead of me throwing me off my bike, my truck got hit in a parking lot and my work van got crushed warner brother style out in front of my house. To top it all off starting saturday night I started throwing up every hour on the hour and I am sicker than most the people I pick up were when they died.

Now I don't want to jump to conclusions or anything but did I piss someone off?

What else to say but balls?

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 00:16:33 GMT

"Be who you are and say how you feel because those that mind don't matter and those that matter don't mind."

~ Dr. Seuss

Leave it to Dr. Suess to solve the worlds problems. Well my Summer finals are on Tuesday... yippee yay for me. Then no school til 8/21. What will I do with my time? That's a stupid question though of course I will work but I will get to spend time with Amber.. yay. So umm I am playing Final Fantasy 1 on gameboy. How rad am I? Uhhh Hand to Hand and Phoenix Mourning are playing right now and I am not there :-( uhhh balls. What else to say but balls? Balls marie I suppose. OUT!

done

Tue, 20 Jun 2006 05:12:58 GMT

I am so very very done with being disrespected, waiting around, beingat a whim. I am so much better than that. Chasing things that don'tdeserve my time knowing full well that for most situations it is thehunt that is the only thing that makes it worth it. Only a few careabout me and I know who you are. You will be blessed and the rest aregoing to have to learn to go fuck themselves. My small group of peopleI actually am willing to be around has just gotten a whole lot smaller.I will not be used, no I cannot help you, I already work/study 60 hoursa week I don't need your shit on top of it. You are supposed to bestress relievers not stress relivers. SO, fuck everyone that reads thisand thinks I am talking about them. If you think its is about you thenyou are gulity about something. Maybe you should have thought aboutthat prior to my standing up for myself. For the rest I adore you. Youdidn't think I would be your doormat forvever... did you?

What do I think about?

Wed, 31 May 2006 04:18:49 GMT

So is this me,..... what do you think?

Sat, 27 May 2006 19:45:29 GMT

Your Birthdate: April 21

You're a restless rebel with an unpredictable nature.
Bright but unbridled, you tend to seek out wild experiences over new ideas.
People are frustrated by your great potential, but you love your unconventional life.
You're a heartbreaker. People get attached to you, and then you're gone.

Your strength: Your thirst for adventure

Your weakness: Not taking time for slow pleasures

Your power color: Hot pink

Your power symbol: Figure eight

Your power month: March

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

the day

Sun, 21 May 2006 23:51:16 GMT

i just want to rip all my skin off and run down the street on fire while reciting the lords prayer. Ok now with that being said things are so polarized in my life right now. Nothing is in the middle at all everything is either great or shit. On top of that last Thursday I had the third mass in a year biopsied/removed from my testicles. The pain sucks and stuff but the real problem is the waiting. I almost wish I would get nut cancer so I could cut them off. It would be so nice to lose those hormones and actually be able to focus without testosterone getting in the way. At least the Soprano's, Big Love, and Huff are on tonight. That will mellow out my evening. I went 150 miles on my motorcycle today and barely went anywhere. UGHHHHH I am sooo antsy. I just stopped and did thirty pushups. Why on earth would I do that?

I don’t have a single picture of my motorcycle. How lame am I? Somebody seriously needs to have an intervention with me before I explode. I wish I could say what is wrong.. but there isn’t anything wrong. Life just has me by the nuts. Excuse the pun. Off to shower.... think dirty thoughts!

P.S.- Ex's are amazing... am I the only person appreciated after the fact? ALmsot every gil I have ever dated likes me more when its over. They always have to check in too. "just making sure things are ok" LOL well they were til I had to remember you

another survey to waste time and learn little

Fri, 12 May 2006 23:11:26 GMT

Today did you...

1. Talk to a boy/girl you like: yes
2. Bought something to eat: yes
3. Got sick: nope
4. Sing: in the car!
5. Make out: no
6. Hug your bf/gf? nope
7. Realize anything new: every moment is new
8. Talk to an ex: yes
9. Miss someone: yes

___________________________________________________
Last person who....

10. Slept in your bed: Me duh
11. Saw you cry: kelly
12. Made you cry: danielle
13. Went to the movies with: alicia
14. You went to the mall with: Kelly
15. Said "I Love You" to and meant it: Danielle
16. That made you laugh: Missy
7. Said they loved you: Alicia
18. Kissed you: kelly?
19. Called you in the middle of the night: work

___________________________________________________
Random....

21. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: working on it... and boy is she special
22. What book are you reading now: The truth (al franken)
24. Best feeling in the world: Motorcycle once you cross 150mph
25. What do you sleep with: umm a bed
26. What's under your bed: dust
27. Favorite sports to watch: football
28. Favorite Location: Denver
29. Piercing/Tattoos: 1/4
30. What are you most scared of right now: not being worth the trouble
31. Where do you want to get married?: the place is of no importance
32. Who do you really hate?: religion
33. Do you have a job: yes
34. Do you like being around people: no just dead people
36. Have you ever cried?: yes
37. Are you lonely right now?: yes but not for long
38. Song that's stuck in your head right now?: The Pot (Tool)
39. Ever liked someone, but you think they never noticed you? Yeha thats kind of my problem now
40. Ever liked someone who treated you like crap?: sure
__________________________________________________
Firsts:

1. First real best friend: Willie Miller
2. First school: Depew
3. First screenname: all3open
4. First funeral: my stepdad mike
6. First celebrity love:the original becky from roasanne
7. First Job: KFC BABY!

Everyone also has their lasts...

8. Last person you hugged: Yoly
9. Last song you heard: Allude (Hand to hand)
10. Last car ride: Back from picking up a body
11. Last time you cried: Last week
12. Last movie you watched?: Thumbsucker
13. Last food you ate: Panda Express
14. Last person of the opposite sex that you talked to in person: Yoly
15. Last Shirt worn: work shirt